![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
nyankoframeIt's coming up on my anniversary with Harper and I am having Feelings. I have been undergoing therapy for a while now and my therapist suggested I might consider journaling about my emotions. I feel like DW is a good medium, since I can type out what I'm feeling, but without the pressures of posting on FB or Bluesky.
Hi honey.
A lot's happened since the last time I spoke to you. I bought a house! With a pool! The pool is certainly more maintenance than I planned, but it felt great to use it this past spring and summer when the water was nice and warm. Lisa also appreciates the pool.
I've been processing my emotions about what happened and the fact that we never really got to say goodbye properly. It was a lot all at once and with the knowledge that even if I chose to resuscitate you again, there was no guarantee that you would come back. Your brain had been without oxygen for too long...
It's not fair. It's not fair that we didn't get to spend more time together. It's not fair that my phone ran out of battery and I couldn't play enough music that you liked in the hopes that you might still be able to hear. It's not fair that... that we never got to have sex. Yes. I said it. But not being able to have sex doesn't mean that I loved you any less, or that it hurts any less.
I feel, after a year and a half, that maybe I'm ready to start considering romantic relationships again? I've tried speed dating a couple of times, matched with some women, but haven't heard back from them. I told my therapist how we just seemed to understand each other so well, even with my neurodivergence and having difficulty expressing my true feelings sometimes.
I still think of you almost every day. They say that time is the only true healer of grief. I wanted to speed it up at first, but it's better that I let it take its time. There will probably never be someone exactly like you again, but I'm hopeful that there will be someone.
I love you.
Hi honey.
A lot's happened since the last time I spoke to you. I bought a house! With a pool! The pool is certainly more maintenance than I planned, but it felt great to use it this past spring and summer when the water was nice and warm. Lisa also appreciates the pool.
I've been processing my emotions about what happened and the fact that we never really got to say goodbye properly. It was a lot all at once and with the knowledge that even if I chose to resuscitate you again, there was no guarantee that you would come back. Your brain had been without oxygen for too long...
It's not fair. It's not fair that we didn't get to spend more time together. It's not fair that my phone ran out of battery and I couldn't play enough music that you liked in the hopes that you might still be able to hear. It's not fair that... that we never got to have sex. Yes. I said it. But not being able to have sex doesn't mean that I loved you any less, or that it hurts any less.
I feel, after a year and a half, that maybe I'm ready to start considering romantic relationships again? I've tried speed dating a couple of times, matched with some women, but haven't heard back from them. I told my therapist how we just seemed to understand each other so well, even with my neurodivergence and having difficulty expressing my true feelings sometimes.
I still think of you almost every day. They say that time is the only true healer of grief. I wanted to speed it up at first, but it's better that I let it take its time. There will probably never be someone exactly like you again, but I'm hopeful that there will be someone.
I love you.