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nyankoframeBefore I start this post, I wanted to point out that I'm making these public so that people can read them, but if you want to use what's in these posts against me I can't stop you. However, don't be surprised if my attitude towards you changes drastically after that.
(You can find out more about Gallery Fake at ANN.)
There are two dreams which have been recurring for a while now.
In one of them, I dream that I'm sitting down quietly somewhere when someone comes up to me, says nothing and just hugs me so tightly that it almost hurts. When this person does it, it feels like the pain and hurt becomes less, almost like being drawn out and thrown away, because I'm able to share it with them (usually, but not always, a female person).
The second dream is one in which I lie on the ground, broken in spirit and feeling like a shattered piece of glass - sharp on the edges and in pieces. Then someone comes along to pick me up and cradle me in her arms. I don't know what she says but just her presence is enough to start putting the pieces back together.
In light of what's happened recently, they are disturbing. Some of you may know that last week I seriously entertained thoughts of self-inflicting harm for the first time in a long while as a result of an argument I had with my mother, during which she said that I was thoughtless and uncaring towards others and expecting others to be thoughtful and caring/understanding towards me. While I didn't act on those thoughts, the way it ties in with my dreams seems to indicate that I do expect other people to be thoughtful and caring, perhaps too much. Since, after all, they have their own lives and it's not right for me to expect them to devote attention to me. On the other hand, I don't take pleasure in being thoughtless and uncaring towards others, so maybe the truth is somewhere in between.
The second thing is that I have a strong feeling that I've destroyed, or at least seriously damaged, two relationships with online people I felt close to. I'm not naming names here (obviously) but I want to believe that the reason they haven't said anything to me in a few days is because they're busy with their own lives and don't really have time to check their IMs, SMSes or PM windows. Then again, maybe they just got tired of me leaning on them for support and help and as someone to talk to and share my problems with. If they did, I can't really blame them... although it makes me want to retreat from even talking about these issues with the friends I have left so that I don't scare them away too.
(You can find out more about Gallery Fake at ANN.)
There are two dreams which have been recurring for a while now.
In one of them, I dream that I'm sitting down quietly somewhere when someone comes up to me, says nothing and just hugs me so tightly that it almost hurts. When this person does it, it feels like the pain and hurt becomes less, almost like being drawn out and thrown away, because I'm able to share it with them (usually, but not always, a female person).
The second dream is one in which I lie on the ground, broken in spirit and feeling like a shattered piece of glass - sharp on the edges and in pieces. Then someone comes along to pick me up and cradle me in her arms. I don't know what she says but just her presence is enough to start putting the pieces back together.
In light of what's happened recently, they are disturbing. Some of you may know that last week I seriously entertained thoughts of self-inflicting harm for the first time in a long while as a result of an argument I had with my mother, during which she said that I was thoughtless and uncaring towards others and expecting others to be thoughtful and caring/understanding towards me. While I didn't act on those thoughts, the way it ties in with my dreams seems to indicate that I do expect other people to be thoughtful and caring, perhaps too much. Since, after all, they have their own lives and it's not right for me to expect them to devote attention to me. On the other hand, I don't take pleasure in being thoughtless and uncaring towards others, so maybe the truth is somewhere in between.
The second thing is that I have a strong feeling that I've destroyed, or at least seriously damaged, two relationships with online people I felt close to. I'm not naming names here (obviously) but I want to believe that the reason they haven't said anything to me in a few days is because they're busy with their own lives and don't really have time to check their IMs, SMSes or PM windows. Then again, maybe they just got tired of me leaning on them for support and help and as someone to talk to and share my problems with. If they did, I can't really blame them... although it makes me want to retreat from even talking about these issues with the friends I have left so that I don't scare them away too.
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no subject
Date: 2005-04-26 10:15 pm (UTC)You can lean on me....
I gotta strong base ;)
And, even if it takes me a while to get to PMs (cept for when I'm @ work) you can vent to me too if you ever need to.. `s what I'm there for.. k?
Yoh dude
Date: 2005-04-27 07:30 am (UTC)I always believe time spend worrying and thinking can
be put to better use, :P.
*hugs*
Date: 2005-04-29 02:39 am (UTC)-llama